Friday, May 20, 2011

USAT | This is the last print issue you'll see *

* This is the last print edition before tomorrow's predicted end times, where all press operators and other of God's believing people will be taken into heaven.

As USAT's Ann Oldenburg writes in the opening paragraph of her Page One story this morning about Oprah, "The end is just days away." And Oprah herself told the paper: "It is done."

So, there you have it! 

According to Wikipedia, tomorrow's Rapture is scheduled to start at 6 p.m. local time as it rolls across time zones. The end of the world as we know it will actually take place five months later, on Oct. 21.

Related: on USAT's Faith & Reason blog, a handy FAQ on tomorrow's big event.

16 comments:

  1. And the end of Oprah, too. Wow. A truly historic edition to save for the grandkids.

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  2. plus if it doesn't happen, USA TODAY can't print a story that says

    WORLD DOESN'T END

    because they'd have to run that story every day after that.

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  3. The world's not ending. Just going on furlough.

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  4. Did you see how much God is getting in bonuses?

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  5. Hillkirk has promised full and complete coverage of the end of the world. Hunke plans to create a vertical to maximize revenue. Heather Frank will head-up.

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  6. Unfortunately, we will be late on the story because editors will endlessly debate coverage and its cost. On line wont realize its news. And heather will have to hire yet another gm before launching the vertical.

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  7. Jeez, where was Hunks when they came up with this scam? Harold Camping, the leader of the church promoting this, has collected $72 million in donations, and he's not going to give refunds -- either way it works out for him. So, Hunks, here's another certified money-making idea for USA Today. What about a special section on how to get to the head of the line; disqualifying sins versus acceptable transgressions; am I pure enough or can I fix it with cosmetics? Only 11,000 to be elected, so make sure you take your USA Today with you because, who knows, it might help.

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  8. Good journalists don't go to heaven.

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  9. Good thing, because someone needs to be here to put out the Doomsday tab.

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  10. By the time usat.com realizes it's news and actually gets the story posted... Well, perhaps I shouldn't pile on. Y'all on the inside with any journalistic seasoning get my drift. What a self-destructive, incompetent place USAT has become.

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  11. Hours are ticking away, and I'm sitting here on Saturday morning thinking of what pitch I can possibly make so my soul gets saved. Do you think anyone else knows about that problem I had when I was 19?

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  12. 11:22 You have 28 minutes to find some way of putting it right.

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  13. So this is what rapture looks like. Wow.

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  14. I told you the Mayans didn't make a mistake. It's going to be Dec. 21, 2012.

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  15. Jim is going to be roasting in hell when this does happen. He is the epitome of the doomed -- a moronic, psychotic freak who plots to infest as many souls and minds as he can.

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  16. One of the signs of the apocalypse is Jim Hopkins being viewed as some sort of expert. He's not.

    He and Spanky are the 2-headed beast.

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