Gannett hasn't gotten around to issuing a press release about one of its biggest moves in decades: wheeling GCI's pension plan into the deep freeze. But holy stop the presses! Chief flack Tara Connell did broadcast this jaw-dropper yesterday: Gannett board member Donna Shalala (left) is to receive a Presidential Medal of Freedom next Thursday at the White House. (Note to USA Today photo editors: You may now start planning your most flattering shots for the ceremony.)As we've observed, any Connell communique wouldn't be complete without an almost-sounds-real quote from an overpaid executive. The former journalist(?) doesn't disappoint in her new Shalala missive -- leading me to imagine the following dramatic scene in CEO Craig Dubow's office yesterday:
Connell (charging into Dubow's sanctum): Give me an ass-kissing quote, and make it snappy!
Dubow (visibly shaken): Gracia's right; you are tough!
Connell (narrowing eyes): Squeal, you no-account Atlanta advertising salesman!
Dubow (puking into nearby trash can): Stop! Stop! I can't stand the pressure! How about: "Donna Shalala is a remarkable American and deeply deserving of this wonderful honor. She has spent a lifetime breaking barriers, leading change and speaking out for the underdog. We are thrilled for her and proud she is a member of the Gannett family."
Connell: Underdog. . . . Gannett family. . . . Hmmmm. I like it! Makes us sound almost human. I'll put it in quotes and no one will be the wiser. Now, start cracking on the multiple major projects those whiners think you're working on.
(Confidential to Corporate: When sucking up to a member of the board of directors, it's best to proofread a press release before sending it to Business Wire -- if you want to avoid embarrassing mistakes over who's actually the U.S. president.)
Your snarky responses, in the comments section, below. To e-mail confidentially, use this link from a non-work computer; see Tipsters Anonymous Policy in the green sidebar, upper right.
You forgot to add the part "connell hair pulled back tight dressed in black leather with a spiked collar and a long leather whip snapping at Dubows bare ass..."
ReplyDelete@6:56 a.m.: Play-by-play color!
ReplyDeleteVan Lare walks in shocked at what he sees as Dubow vomits all over Martore. He glances toward Connell and says, "What the fuck is wrong with Dubow?"
ReplyDeleteConnell walks closely to Van Lare and whispers in his ear. Van Lare, visibly excited, looks toward Martore, immediately looses his excitement as Martore says, "Craig just found out that no one likes him!".
...To be continued...